political confusion and navel-gazing

Last night at work I was telling Doug (a coworker) about my political confusion, and something he helped me realize is that I need to do my own thinking and soul searching and research, and not be worried or influenced by what others think (or think I should think). The main thing that holds me back (I think) from actually doing my own thinking about it is that I have a feeling that I may be a bit (or a lot?) more liberal in my thinking than Corey, and that makes me uncomfortable, especially because he's so vociferous in his dislike of liberals, so I'd rather just remain ignorant and not have to choose a position rather than risk being on the other side from him (and my mom). Also, as I was telling Doug, I think a large part of my problem is that I'm lazy. I'd rather just go along with someone who I trust and who is intelligent and has thought things through than actually have to think things through myself....just make them do all the work. And I largely haven't been paying attention to the political scene (like my whole life), so when people throw out things about the Clinton administration or the Bush or Regan administration I just have to trust that they're right, since I don't know the facts myself. And how can I argue about what's good or bad about what has happened if I don't even know what's happened? So yeah, I'm uninformed and too lazy to go inform myself.

That aside, I'm discovering that I've been letting my non-confrontational/people-pleasing nature hold me back. I'm scared to argue or debate with others, but I think it's mostly because I haven't exercised my thinking-on-my-feet-in-difficult-situations muscles, and that is a definite area of weakness in me. Doug may be right that I don't give myself enough credit in the area of my own intelligence. Because I can think/argue/articulate points just fine by myself in the comfort of my own living room, but I'm always scared to speak up in public if what I think might be controversial (I often find myself not speaking up at work). I'm starting to think that my keeping quiet when I disagree with people might be a fault in certain situations (not all, of course) because it keeps me from fully engaging in the world around me. I'm not able to argue what good points I have, or have my thinking refined by others, or fall flat on my face, which is also good for me. I think when I keep quiet I do myself (and sometimes others) a disservice, so that's my new goal - to engage in dialogue/debate when I'm scared and would normally keep quiet. We'll see how it goes.