Emotional dishonesty

In moments of reflection, I've occasionally suspected that there was more work to be done in my heart in dealing with my parents' divorce. I find that suspicion resurfacing again as I read a book called Landmarks: Turning Points on Your Journey Toward God by Bill Delvaux. The chapter is about wounds, most often ones inflicted on us during childhood, and how, against every instinct we have, we must face them before we can be whole. In this book, the author relates a story of a woman who, having lost her father to brain cancer as a child, adopted the facade of strength and developed a pattern of emotional dishonesty which followed her into adulthood. Eventually seeing her own anger and dysfunction reflected in her son, the woman realizes she must face the sadness she ran away from all those years ago, not only cognitively admitting that it was a problem, but entering into the grief so long overdue.

I vaguely remember the day my parents told me they would be separating. They came into my room and both sat down on my bed, where they delivered a blow so huge I didn't believe it at first. I think I was ten. I didn't think this could possibly be happening to me. They had a good marriage,* I have no memory of them fighting. We were a happy family. Surely they would realize this and turn things back around. They couldn't get a divorce, it just wasn't possible. That kind of thing happened to other people, not me. My best friend was also my next door neighbor. I showed up at her house with tears running down my face, and she sat with me at the edge of my driveway while I cried.

Before long, I developed a persona of strength in adversity. It wasn't that big of a deal...a lot worse things happen to other people every day. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It was a character builder. That was my new catch phrase.

Throughout the next few years, there were so many little hurts I faced as a result of my parents' divorce. It hurt to see my mom French kissing another man. It hurt to see my dad lather himself with tanning oil and lay out by the apartment pool. Who was this person anyway? It hurt to realize I wasn't the center of my universe anymore. To hear the screaming matches down the hallway at my stepdad's house. For my mom to start smoking. For my dad to flirt with different women around me. For other grown-ups to tell me what to do as if they were my parents and had any authority over me. To realize that my mom and dad really weren't ever going to get back together again.

I learned to look for each cloud's silver lining. Hey, at least I got a cool new set of bedroom furniture. My dad bought me a lot of new things, and he started experimenting with gourmet cooking...he even bought a pasta maker which was really fun to use. My parents had joint custody, and I knew whenever I was so mad at whichever one I was with, it would only be a couple of days before I could be rid of them and around the other one who clearly loved me more. It meant I got a car as soon as I turned 16 so my parents wouldn't have to cart me back and forth anymore. My family made me cool and unique, no one else had a set up quite like mine.

As I grew older, I became thankful for each new family member and the unique perspectives they brought into my life. I recognized that I wouldn't be who I am today without them or without the divorce. I recognized that as far as being a child of divorce, I pretty much had it made in the shade. For me, divorce didn't mean a sudden change in standard of living, or pretty much cutting a parent out of my life; it didn't mean having to move to a different city, or even a different school district. Sure, it disturbed my life, but it didn't completely uproot it and turn it upside down.

And yet. And yet. Something's just not sitting quite right in my heart. Maybe all of these positives don't negate the negatives (yeah, I hear how that sounds.) Maybe they still don't make it ok. Fine, I'll just come right out and say it. No matter what blessings have come into my life as a result of my parents' divorce, it was still wrong. Maybe their marriage was screwed up enough that divorce really was the best option for them, really. But that still doesn't make it ok. IT WAS STILL WRONG. I had parts of my happy childhood cut short because of my parents' brokenness. I experienced a deep level of pain and wounding that I think I still have yet to enter fully into, and finding the silver lining doesn't make it ok. Now I'm not going to go and throw myself a pity party after all these years, because WE ALL have deep wounding from our childhood. But until I stop making excuses and acting like it's no big deal, I won't really find healing. And I'll keep inflicting my family and loved ones with learned dysfunction that maybe isn't necessary after all.

*Said my ten year old self. I'm not claiming this was actually the case.

Dear Asher

I've decided that a good way to make the most of our middle of the night feedings (and keep me awake so I don't spend the whole night on the couch-yeah he sleeps in the living room for now) is to have Asher's baby journal handy in case I think of something I want to write to him. I've written in it twice so far, and who knows how long it will continue, but for now I like the idea. So, this story is one I'd been wanting to share, and now that I wrote it for Asher in the middle of the night, I suppose it's ready.

It was a few days after you were born that I felt my heart really open up to love you fully and completely, with all that I have. I think that before then some subconscious part of me had been holding back, fearful that loving you wholeheartedly was being untrue to AB. But I distinctly remember the moment, either on first our second day home from the hospital.

I was laying with you on the couch in the basement and you were asleep. I just looked at you, and in the moment of a heartbeat, I felt my eyes tear up and my heart expand, something like the Grinch whose 'heart grew three sizes that day.' I'm not sure how many sizes my heart grew, but I know that I lay there that evening and wept as I allowed myself to experience this profound thing called love. The love a mother or father has for their child is not something that can be explained, only experienced. But when you do experience it, it is perhaps the most beautiful thing in the world. And I'm so, so thankful for those moments, in the first few days of your life, when my heart grew and I fell utterly and completely in love with you.

Photo Book

Click here to view this photo book larger

We used Shutterfly to make a photo book for Asher! Got in at the last minute on the free 8x8 photo book deal. It ends today...if you hurry you can get one too! Just use code MYBOOK at checkout, and all you pay is shipping + tax (around $8). Not a bad deal, eh?

PS-Family Members...if you like this photo book and want your own copy, you can click on the link above and get it!

I think this girl likes the snow

'Nuff said.

P.S. One of these days I'll shed my perfectionist tendencies enough to write a post about Asher. :-)

Fish Fry-day (get it?) and fun at home

It is becoming something of a tradition in our family to attend the nearby Catholic church's Lenten fish fry. We had a lovely time out with some friends tonight, and by the time we were ready to leave, AB and Noah finally decided to overcome their shyness and have fun playing with each other. Friends, greasy fried fish, fries, mac'n'cheese, and applesauce...what more could our little hearts desire?

After we got home, we enjoyed spending some musical time together, and this is how we ended off before bedtime. Oh the cuteness!

Milestone, symptoms, blessing bracelet

As of 5:39 this morning, this pregnancy has officially lasted longer than AB's. I woke up just before 7 (not on purpose), had a little celebratory moment to myself thinking about this, and went back to sleep. So now I'm entering the unknown territory of what it's really like to be pregnant that last month :-)

Speaking of 'what it's like,' I thought I'd share (cause I'm sure you're dying to know) my most annoying & weirdest pregnancy 'symptoms.' I don't like calling them symptoms since it further promotes the crazy medicalization of a normal life event that this country seems to be alone in the world stage in continuing into the 21st century, but that's a rant for another time, and I haven't figured out a better term to use, so symptoms it is. So for most annoying, heartburn/acid reflux wins by a landslide. I had forgotten how bad it was, but oh lordy, I remember now! And for weirdest, it's all these skin tags that seem to be multiplying on my neck. So strange, and I wonder if they'll go away on their own when the rest of my body goes back to normal.

And finally, I wanted to show you my sweet, eclectic bracelet from the mommy shower that Catherine threw me! It's an idea I got from reading Birthing from Within (see previous post on my pregnancy reads) that I really wanted to do, so I manned up and just asked for it. Not my usual MO, but I figured nobody else was going to just come up with this on their own and think it's a great idea, so what the heck, may as well just throw the idea out there and see if it works. And it did!

So the idea is that each person comes to the shower with a bead and a blessing for momma/birth/baby, they all share said blessing, and I get a fun piece of jewelry to wear throughout the rest of my pregnancy and birth to remind me of the blessings, well wishes, and love from my friends. The shower was almost a week ago, and I just got around to making them into a bracelet last night, but I'm really happy that I finally did, and exited to wear this until baby comes (hopefully at least another week!). Although it's a bit heavy for a bracelet, so I'm thinking of heading to a craft store, buying some jewelry making wire, and turning it into a necklace. Perhaps after my oil change this morning.

Well that's all the randomness I have for you right now, so see ya when I see ya.  :-)

pregnancy and childbirth reads

I recently composed an email to a friend with some thoughts on books I'm reading, have read, or think would be good to read during pregnancy, and I thought I'd share here as well, in case there are any others embarking on the fun mommyhood adventure. I'd also love to get feedback from others who have enjoyed or found anything else helpful!

One book that I haven't read but that comes highly recommended (and I probably would read, or at least check out from the library, if I were earlier in my pregnancy) is Pregnancy Childbirth and the Newborn: The Complete Guide by Penny Simkin, and I've also heard really good things about another book by her, The Birth Partner, which is geared toward the "labor companion"...These books are praised for their comprehensive, unbiased approach to talking about risks and benefits of lots of ways of doing things in pregnancy and childbirth without having an ulterior motive they're trying to push. A book that was recommended to me when I was pregnant with AB is Baby Catcher by Peggy Vincent. I REALLY enjoyed reading this book, and it was so helpful in normalizing the birthing process for me...I felt much less fear after reading it. It's written memoir-style, so it's less like a pregnancy/childbirth how-to guide or information resource, and more of just a fun read.

The other two books I'm reading this time (picked them up kind of late in the game) are Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin and Birthing from Within by Pam England. If you haven't heard of her yet, Ina May Gaskin is basically a pioneer in the US for midwifery, and she runs (and has since the 60s I think) a midwife birth center practice out on a hippie-ish farm in Tenessee that's famous among natural childbirth types. The first half of the book is all birth stories, which I found only so-so to read through, and the second half is more informative. If you decide to read this one, I would recommend starting out with at least a couple of the birth stories, and then when you've had enough of those, flipping over to the second half...then maybe going back and forth. I got a little bogged down just reading birth story after birth story, and am enjoying it more now that I'm onto the second half. Ina May has a lot of wisdom from her years of experience, and it's clear that she respects and is respected by a lot of other doctors and people in the field.

Birthing from Within is a little "crunchy" for my taste, but I'm also finding it helpful too. It's actually helping me connect a little more with the crunchier side of me. And it's been really good in helping me prepare emotionally for having another birth, thinking through what was difficult and good about AB's birth and actually dealing with some of the fears I have rather than just pushing them down and trying to pretend they don't exist. There are parts that I kind of skim, and then others that I really delve into. I even took her advice and made some birth art, which was a little outside of my comfort zone, but opening myself up to that kind of idea was really helpful for me I think.

And of course the Hypnobabies course is intended to be an all-in-one childbirth course, so it has a lot of good information in it too. Also, I've found some good info online, just googling something when I wanted to learn more. My doula also turned me onto a blog which I really like, http://evidencebasedbirth.com. Two other blogs that she recommends are www.childbirthconnection.org and birthsource. 

So that's basically word for word the email I sent to a friend. :-) And YES, I'm going to try hypnosis for childbirth! I'm pretty excited about it and can't wait to see how it differs from my previous experience. I've been doing a self-study course which involves listening to a 30-40 minute hypnosis session each day, and so far I have to say that even just the immense relaxation I've gotten from doing the course has been worth it. I'll definitely post an update after the birth to share how it went. 

So what pregnancy and birth resources have you used, or do you love (or hate)? Do share!

Mamas and babies

So this morning AB was playing with an iPad app about different animals and the sounds they make, and I noticed that a lot of the 'mommy' animals were pictured with their babies, and a lot of the baby animals with their mamas. Which got me thinking about how natural it is in the animal kingdom for me to spend the majority of my time hanging out with a little person. And how thankful I am that I get to. Sure it's also really nice to get out of the house without her too, but when it comes down to it, I'm pretty happy with the way we have things set up around here, and I sure do like spending time with that little stinker. :-)

Also, the app is called zoola. It's a good one

my yearly blog update

Ha, just under a year ago I said don't hold your breath, but I MAY post again within the year, and look at that - pulling in just under the wire, here I am!

I turn 32 this Sunday, so I will be the same age when my second is born as my mom was when she had me. Crazy! :) I'm super excited because I hired a doula this go-round, and think it will be great to have her there with us for the birth. And I learned that a local midwifery group has a lending library open to the public with the hypnobabies self-study course, so I don't have to go spend $150 for it! Great news all around.

Clearly, I've been thinking about this pregnancy and birth a lot lately, hence my topics of conversation. IF I end up doing any more blogging anywhere in the near (or not-so-near) future, maybe I'll find other things to talk about too.

Peace out. I'm going to read my hypnobabies course now, while AB is napping!

Blog? What blog?

Oh riiiiight . . . this thing. Almost forgot about ya! sorry.

This evening, we successfully watched a movie together before AB went to bed. I figured it was worth a shot because it had penguins in it. And voila, she was reasonably well-behaved throughout the whole thing, and immediately went to bed afterwards. And she only fed a little bit of my pizza to the dogs.

For the record, of the 2011 movies we've watched so far, I think that Mr. Popper's Penguins ranks 3rd for me, behind Cowboys & Aliens and the Green Lantern. Or maybe second, tied with the Green Lantern. I hear The Help is really good, but haven't seen it yet. Wasn't crazy about Midnight in Paris, and thought Limitless was okay. And that's all I think I've seen from 2011.

Also, for the record (again), did I mention that I have THE cutest, sweetest, most adorable and charming baby in the world? I'm pretty sure I have objective data to back that up.

Thanks for tuning in. Maybe I'll get back to you before the year is up. But don't hold your breath.

A few of my favorite (baby) things

At the risk of sounding like an Oprah wannabe, here ya go! (Sorry, I don't have extras to give away to my studio audience)

Fisher-Price Space Saver High Chair

My Review of Fisher-Price Space Saver High Chair - Cocoa Pink

Originally submitted at Toys R Us

"If you're looking for big high chair features in a small dining space, the Fisher-Price Space Saver High Chair in Cocoa Pink is the high chair for you! Simply strap it to just about any kitchen or dining chair (it's very secure) for everything a full-size high chair offers-in half the...

Fisher-Price Space Saver High Chair - Cocoa Pink

great product

By megan from Columbus, OH on 10/26/2010

 

5out of 5

Pros: Stylish, Good value, Grows with baby, Portable, Easy to Clean, Lightweight, Easy To Assemble, Stable

Best Uses: At Home, Infant Seating, Baby Seats

Describe Yourself: First Time Parent

I didn't want to get a highchair yet because I fugured it would take up space that we don't have and we wouldn't even be able to use it for several months anyway till she was on solids, right? WRONG. On both counts! This chair is great because it reclines so you can use it even for newborns, just to have a place to put the baby down in the kitchen--no more lugging the car seat from room to room. YAY! I also love that it sits on a kitchen chair rather than taking up a lot of space, and that it will grow into a booster seat when baby gets older. We don't have a lot of baby "stuff" so it's important that the things we do have are worth the money and space they take up, and this definitely fits the bill for both!

(legalese)

You Capture

I stumbled upon a new (to me, obviously) blog called i should be folding laundry, which has a contest (?) I guess...called 'you capture'....well anyway you submit photos, and I don't know if anything happens after that except maybe that other people see them. (You can tell I put a lot of time into researching this before I decided to jump in) So there are different themes for each (week?), and this one is black and white. I had fun playing with my new camera recently taking pics of sammy & peet....and loved how this one looked black and white. The texture of peet's fur is so fun, perhaps even more now that he got his hair cut. and in this profile shot, he looks almost (dare I say?) dignified. which we know better than to think might be true, but good for him! (just don't show off the sissy growl peet, and you might even fool a person or two!) :)

baby tomatoes!

Here's my biggest baby tomato on the plant I got from Catherine's mom. There are a couple other smaller ones. Also growing happily are my cucumber plant, mint, and lavender. The bachelor's buttons and day lilies aren't so sure right now. All in all, it's fun having growing things though!

orthodoxy and orthopraxy

from About.com:

The term orthopraxy comes from the Greek for "correct action / activity" and is used to emphasize the correct conduct, particularly with regards to religious activity. This is contrasted with the idea of orthodoxy, which is about having the correct sort of belief.

On Sunday, my pastor Jeff told one of Jesus' parables in the course of his sermon. It was about two brothers whose father owned a vineyard. One day the father asked both brothers to go work in the vineyard that day. The first one said, "sure, of course, I'll go!" but then other stuff came up and he decided not to. The second one said he wouldn't work in the vineyard, but then he changed his mind and went anyway. So Jesus asks his followers the question: "Which brother did what his father asked?"

In the course of thinking about this today, I'm reminded again of the importance of orthopraxy. There are a lot of people out there who make really grand claims about the correctness of what they believe. They make a point of dotting all their theological i's and crossing their t's and will argue till they're blue in the face why they're right and you're wrong. Then there are others whose lives demonstrate the belief that's in their hearts. I think at the end of the day God is going to care more about what our actions and hearts say about our faith than the correctness of what we say with our mouths. And if someone is on a faith journey toward God, I would much rather encourage them to seek him wholeheartedly and trust him than argue theological orthodoxy.

But that's just me.

:)

scribe for hire

Well, I married a man much like myself it seems. The paper he had all quarter to work on finally got started . . . yesterday. And it's due . . . now. I think literally now. He's reading it out loud 'colloquium-style' for his class, and I think he said that was at 1 today. Anyhow, being the good little wife that I am, I searched my brain for ways in which I could be of aid and support, and since my pep talks seemed to be appreciated, but not really helping that much, I thought I'd take it a step further. And that leads us to how I can now add 'scribe' as a position on my resume. (or not.) I noticed that Corey seems to be much better at talking about what he's doing than actually writing it down. So after listening to the twisting, turning, not-so-organized explanation of what the paper is going to be about, I set out to help him figure out how to outline it, and then offered to write and let him dictate. While it did feel a bit awkward for the both of us, I think it took a lot of the pressure off of him, since he seemed to choke every time he tried to sit in front of the computer and write. And it was actually kind of fun. Since I don't have to write any of my own papers anymore, it's kind of fun getting to be a part of the process and do the typing (as well as some incognito editing). That's the fun part of being a scribe. You don't actually have to type what they say {tapping fingers Mr. Burns style, that is, backwards}, and by the time they come back and read it later to edit, they just trust that those were their own words {evil laughter}. Just kidding, I didn't really do that much editing, just a word here or there... ;0) We got through maybe half of the paper that way before I had to go to work, but it definitely set the ground work so that when he sat down at the computer the intimidation factor was gone and he had a good running start.

Even with his procrastination shortfalls, I do have a pretty amazing husband. He's the most creative thinker I know, and his brain moves at speeds I cannot even fathom. I'm so proud of him every time he talks about the discussions in class when he brought up points which had never even occurred to the profs before or when I hear about his paper topics which are always interesting and innovative. I have definitely found the smartest man I know. And that makes me happy. And perhaps nerdy. Which is OK.

On a completely unrelated note, these roses came out of MY yard. they look prettier in person, but I'll show you the webcam picture I took anyway, just so you don't feel entirely left out.

i'm still here...

I realized I haven't blogged since January. It's not that I haven't had stuff I'd like to share with the world. There have been lots of times I've thought about something and said to myself, "I should write a blog entry on that" but then never did. I try not to open my laptop unless I have a specific thing I need to do online because once I get started, it just becomes a black hole of my time, a vortex if you will, and I get sucked in and can't seem to find my way out of the time-wastingness....(yep, I made that word up) I want to blog more, really I do. Either there's too much to say and I feel overwhelmed, or I figure there's not enough to say to merit a blog entry. Not that this post really merits being posted by my exacting standards, but here I go anyway, just to let you know I'm still here, and I'm still kicking. Life is good.

living in a winter wonderland

When I was growing up, icicles were one of the wonders of the world to me. I rarely got to see them, and they conjure up memories of magical mountainside lodges. Snow was such a novelty, and there are several scenarios from ski trips as a kid that bring back those warm fuzzies. One is driving along curvy, hilly roads and seeing the snow gradually increase along the roadside and trees as we get closer to the mountains; another would be slip-sliding across snowy/icy parking lots of small-town grocery stores to stock up on provisions for the trip: donuts, pb&j for mountainside lunches, and of course those wonderful ten-packs of assorted mini cereal boxes; and then there was the joy of seeing huge icicles hanging off roof overhangs and having Dad reach up and break a huge one off for me - my very own icicle!

Well, I can now say that I am the proud owner of several huge icicles, all across the front of my house, and this time I took pictures before Corey could break them all off on acount of their 'dangerousness'. Here, let me show you my treasures!

my new lenovo

What's a lenovo, you ask? I had the very same question just earlier today, when Corey and I were browsing Circuit City's selection of laptops during their going out of business sale. What? You already figured it out then? My, aren't you smart! Yes, you're right, lenovo is the name of my new laptop, but we call him lenny for short (as of now). AND, he comes fully equipped with Windows Vista, a 2.17 GHz Intel Pentium dual processor, 3GB of memory, AND a built-in microphone and webcam (capable of using retina-scanning security features!). While not quite top of the line, it's a heck of a lot better than the old, dying laptop (no offense, old laptop...sorry), and I'll be very excited to actually have a laptop that doesn't need to be plugged in to work (yay, I can take him upstairs!) So, everyone please help me in welcoming lenny into the family by commenting on his inagural blog post!

Piano lessons!

I had my first (since I was a kid anyway) piano lesson today! The teacher is Craig Allen at Encore Music Studios. He was recommended by a friend, and he seems to be a really great guy (and teacher from what I hear). We discussed what I want to get out of lessons, what styles I'm interested in, etc., and also what sort of experience and knowledge I already have. And he had me play the one song I know, Fur Elise, for him so he could see where I am in my technical ability. He was really encouraging, and pointed out that my finger dexterity and technique is pretty good, so we basically just need to start out by getting my intellectual knowledge (reading music and such) up to match what my hands are able to do. So my homework for this week is to practice scales (C, G, and D) and to bring in whatever music I've been using or playing around with next week so that he can try to better understand what I know and where I need help. I'm pretty excited, and I'll keep you posted about how they're going.